September 05, 2013

DAY 93: I also became a worry wart...

Do you know when someone tells you a story and you can see yourself in it? Well, what I heard today was based on a true story - this person was sharing her life review and, apart from a few details, the pattern that she was referring to is something that I face almost every day.
According to the dictionary, a worry wart is one who worries excessively, habitually and needlessly; thinks about unfortunate things that might happen; someone who spoils the pleasure of others ( I tried to find the corresponding expression in Portuguese but interestingly I couldn't find it. However, that does not mean that Portugal is free from worrywarts! I realise that the environment where I grew up had plenty of it and I become one as well.

The thoughts of worry and the ideas of what might happen became such a habit within me that, until I heard this interview today, I did not consider to review such pattern - well, I was aware that such thoughts were not bringing me any stability however I had not been specific enough to actually look at the small examples of my daily life and see how I was creating this experience of worry within me. For example, when I was reading a chapter of a book, I read the whole page and then I looked at the same page again to check if I had not missed any important point. This pattern started when I was about 14 years old and since then that I have been accepting such compulsive "double checks" which became part of my way of doing things. I remember this happening also when locking the car, by feeling an an anxiety within me and the need to go back and double check if I locked it. The problem that I found was that I thought I had to follow these thoughts, or something bad would happen and would regret not double checking.

Accumulating these thoughts throughout so many years is tiring but I never associated my exhaustion to this specific pattern! I started changing this pattern step by step and I restarted reading without looking back, taking the decision of trusting in me in every moment, however the pattern of worry is automatic in many of my decisions and indecision. I became a worrywart and I have been manifested it in my thoughts, words and actions. Until recently I have blamed the excess of work and the excess of effort I put into things for my exhaustion but much of my exhaustion comes from my own mind, from these rules that I have imposed unto myself and the constant thoughts of what can go wrong.

This is a big pattern within me and became a problem which I must investigate completely: its origins, its dimensions, its memories and the various thoughts associated to the worry energy. I am grateful that I heard this interview, I heard her experience and I realised that such pattern is not the way to go. How much of my potential am I missing by going into the state of worry?

I have this one-life opportunity to stop the mistakes that others taken before me and realise myself to my full potential.


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