In
recent years I have seen friends of mine leaving their partners because things
didn't work - somewhere along the timeline there was an accumulation of
distress, resentment, anger and disappointment that left no room for an
Agreement. I am not familiar with the various factors that led to the end of
their relationships but in my past relationships I have the remembrance of such
moments as a bubble that can't take no more and it bursts. In those moments, a
snap decision would take place - either to leave, or slap the door or say
something dramatically as seen in movies.
The
agreement that I am talking about is the creation of something that does not
exist by default between human beings - it is an agreement first with oneself
about what one wants for oneself, and then an agreement with the partner to
stand for and by each other unconditionally.
You now see why I can't simply walk away from it all even when things
are not working - in an agreement, communication, understanding and
self-honesty are key, which prevents any emotional scene. Also, an agreement is
a reflection of ourselves and therefore it evolves, it changes, is revised and
is recreated when required.
My
partner and I started walking this agreement long before we got married: we
wrote down the words that we want to build our world with, we redefined those
words to guarantee that we were on the same page and we have been building our
relationship based on the words that are the best for us.
Now,
as with any process of changing one's habits, one must be consistent and be
willing to actually change one's actions and words throughout a period of time
until it becomes "natural" and as part of the new "me".
From my experience, women tend to be also more responsible when it comes to live a
commitment and we won't accept less than that which we know it is possible*. In
fact, the world of possibilities is very vast in a woman's awareness because we
communicate more and we allow ourselves to listen to what other people have to
say. It might not be with every woman but as I am walking the process with
Destonians, women stand out in the group as more consistent in their stance
and daily application.
Another
element worth mentioning is the role of expectations in an relationship and how
it changes in an agreement. What I expect from another in a relationship is
purely a thought - it is an idea that more often than not only exists in one of
the partners which will eventually lead to a miscommunication and unmet
expectations. In an agreement, there are no expectations (or at least one is
aware that such experience or projection is not real) - what we do have is
written or spoken commitments about what we accept and allow within and in
another.
Nevertheless,
there are moments where the patterns escalate and the minds almost take over
unless something is done to align our direction.
After
five years of agreement I know that my reaction doesn't lasts for too long (no
more than one day) and that I must do something to give me/us direction,
especially when the same point loops over and over again. So today we had a
very serious chat about our future. About how each one sees it and what steps
each one must take in order to turn the potential into a concrete reality. It
is not as simple as slapping the door...
In
today's blog I would like to share my realisations from facing the temptation
of a snap decision and in assisting me to stay stable. In this, there are a
important questions that one must ask to oneself before engaging in an
argument:
- Why am I judging my partner as less than me?
- Why am I judging my partner as more than me?
- What do I want for myself?
- Why do I react to his attitude?
- What is the thought that I am reacting to?
- What expectations have I placed on another?
- What are our options?
- Where is my emotional instability coming from?
- Why is my stability still dependent on another person, either negatively or positively?
- Am I using the positive memories to compensate the negative memories?
- Is my self-motivation genuine or based on an image that I have created for our future?
When
it comes to images in the mind, I am realising that I rarely communicate or
describe these to my partner - somehow I still believe that he sees the same
image/idea in his mind. However, our attitudes will eventually show a
misalignment whereby one's attitude will compromise another's image of the
future without us being aware of this.
The
outcome that I would like to share is that conversations CANNOT be based on a
reaction, otherwise the mind has freeway to put everything out, including the
backchats, emotions, exaggeration and victimized that keeps feeding the
problem.
Secondly,
a conversation is open and flexible, so there is no point it sticking to one's
argument indefinitely especially when is not promoting solutions to the
problem.
Thirdly,
the realisation that we are always and all-ways equal to each other. Any belief
of superiority or inferiority, either felt in oneself or projected unto another
is a perception that is not real. Who we are is made of the same matter and we
are equally living our life process.
Finally,
a decision does not need to be radical. In fact, it will take as much time to
create a solution as the time that took to create the problem (either it being
the miscommunication, the lack of application or the absence of self-honesty).
I
must say that this was one of the most productive and effective chats we had.
Now, it is time to walk the talk. As equals.
*Recommended interviews:
Know thyself - Free life coaching: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
